Thoughts For the New School Year, from Cornelius

transcript below

When I was in 7th grade, the original Jordan Vs came out. Not the retros, but the actual Vs. For those of you doing the sneaker math right now, yes I am officially one of the old heads… I don’t know when I acquired that status. All I know is that it’s the first week of school in New York City, and even though I had a whole summer to learn, I still don’t know what “skibbidy” means. Kids don’t call me bro no more, they stop by the room and call me unk. I’m uncle status now. I guess that’s a good thing… It gives me license to tell stories, cause that’s part of what uncles do. So I’m starting this reflection with a story.

Back when them jordans came out, I needed them. The Vs had that translucent bottom and the iridescent tongue with the logo. It was some year 2000 type stuff, but in 1991. I cannot overstate this. I needed them. And I had one of those black mamas who was not going to spend $100 on shoes. So I did what nerdy kids do best, I created a plan to sidestep authority by doing chores for neighbors and relatives to raise the money myself. She wasn’t going to spend $100, but I was… It took me almost four weeks to raise the cash — $105.35 to be exact. I kept in in a transformers wallet, and on the morning when I asked her to take me to the Foot Locker, my mother hit me with a classic “mama” line of questioning…

“Do you really want to spend ALL your money on shoes? …you worked so hard to save that much…”

“Mom I NEED them. All my friends got them.” This was a lie. None of my friends had them… Just that one kid, Scott, from the other side who I didn’t really even like… I did not need the shoes, what I really wanted was to flex on Scott. But I was not mature enough to admit this to myself or to my mother in 1991.

My mom hit me with the Black mama hypothetical then… “If all your friends are jumping off a bridge, are you gonna jump off too?”

I think about that question often.

…As I mature as an educator I’m so thankful for all of the things that this profession has generously given me — friendships, community, and opportunity to grow, to stand for something — and I’m also increasingly vigilant about the things that it forcefully takes… Though, I guess this could be true about any profession, being an educator in a society that is not always people-centered has drained me of energy, of time, and of personhood in ways that have been hurtful. My whole career, I’ve tried to do whatever was asked of me by my city, my district, my school — even when it seemed to be in conflict with what children, families, and communities needed. …or in conflict with what I needed. I want to be a good employee. And I’ve had to do this while asserting the value of black life, demanding access for immigrants and folks with disabilities, centering the humanity of my LGBTQIA siblings, and reminding a whole country that their thoughts and prayers are not enough when whole communities of children are plagued by gun violence.

It’s a lot.

I’ve lost myself to this before — in unhealthy ways, and as I start this school year I’m realizing that I don’t want to lose myself again. There is so much about this work in education that gives me life, AND I have so much to live for outside of it.

Grinding every day to do what everyone wants or expects will have you out here not being yourself… It took me all summer to journey back to myself, and I’m learning to love me enough to stay me… even when the world demands otherwise.

These days, I’m asking the question: How do I return to work — which is beautiful — without returning to the grind — which depletes me. How do I deepen my connection to myself?

To better explore this, I had to consider the things that diminish my connection to myself…

Achievement culture / Perfectionism

People Pleasing

Taking on too much

Trying to fit in

Not standing up for my ideas or my ideals

Not working to my full potential — by my standards, not anyone else’s

Interrogating these things in public is hard… Institutions in capitalism are built to run efficiently and pausing to reflect on my tendency to take on too much or abandoning sharp perfectionism for the boundless imperfection of actual professional growth slows that efficiency. It would be much easier to say yes to all the mandates without question… Do I really need to take on that extra thing or is the overachieving people pleaser inside me doing it just for the flex?

Everyone else is doing it.

And I hear my mom’s voice again.

“If all your friends are jumping off a bridge, are you gonna jump off too?”

It’s been 33 years since I was in 7th grade. My name is Cornelius Minor, I’m a Brooklyn based educator and, though I have not always been certain of my answer to that question when it comes to following the crowd or the trend or the fad of the year at work… I am certain of my answer now.

I’m not jumping, I’m trying to maintain the fortitude to be me. Imperfections and all. Happy new school year.